Scattered Self-Care

I have to admit, I’ve really struggled to pull any kind of a thought together for my post this week. There have been some exciting times in the Hanson household. Electric is consistently using the potty and Adorable is continuing to improve her language skills. I think she’s on the cusp of walking, as her younger peers are now cruising around on two legs. Thank goodness our daycare provider is basically a sainted human being. I’ve been fortunate to continue building my home at The Relationship Blogger and visit Levo in the last few weeks!

My scatterbrained feeling is something I think actually warrants a post, just to help me gain some clarity. If this makes no sense, I apologize.

July 21 Photo

About a year ago I read this post over on The Honeyed Quill. In the piece, Shawna talks about her experience of being an adult with ADHD. I was surprised as I read it to discover that I kept thinking “That describes me. Oh yeah, that describes me too. And that, and that. . . “ I kept unintentionally coming across posts talking about the lived experience of adult women who have been diagnosed with ADHD. At some point, a coincidence has to stop being a coincidence. I hit that point earlier this week as I was driving to my clinic to talk to someone about these terrible and persistent headaches I’ve been experiencing recently. On the drive I was listening to the most recent Stuff Mom Never Told You podcast about women with ADHD. Once again I thought “What they are saying is describing me perfectly.”  Finally, I made it to the clinic and I came to a decision. When discussing what I thought might be causing, or at least contributing to the headaches, I decided to mention ADHD. Through the tears as I discussed everything that is stressing me out I said, “I know that everything I’m saying is a lot. It would stress anyone out. But I also think that there is an underlying issue like ADHD that makes it more difficult to cope.” The doctor agreed and referred me to a therapist for some diagnostic testing because what I was describing could be a number of conditions and some extra help to manage stress would be, well, helpful.

With all of this, I really have to conclude by saying that I hope you’re engaging in self-care. Advocate for yourself, you matter so much!

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Lifting Weights

I recently started working out again and I am once again reminded of some of my own issues surrounding fitness. I’ve been debating unpacking them here, but my family can confirm that I am a terrible unpacker. It took me a full month to literally unpack from our recent trip to Utah. But practice makes perfect, right?

My problem with fitness is about lifting weights. It’s not that I can’t lift, it’s not even that I don’t want to do it for its own sake. I know it makes sense for women to lift weights because it increases our bone density. But with all of that, I don’t lift because I don’t want the body that comes along with weight lifting.

Note: Moving forward in this post there are going to be triggers for partner violence. Please be aware and take care of yourself.

september-28-stop

Way back, way way way way back in 2008 I was enrolled in a weight lifting class. It filled the physical fitness requirement for my A.A. degree and it was online so I could work out on my own time. It was perfect.

About a month after the class started, I ran into and started “hanging out with” a fellow that I had known several years previously and he gave 15-year-old Rachel the creeps. He was also inexplicably magnetic. So, as a 19-year-old (going on 20) I proceeded with caution. The self-blaming side of me knows that I should have listened to the 15-year-old version of myself and had nothing to do with him. But that kind of thinking will get you nowhere fast.

There I was, in my weight lifting class and doing great. I felt great, I was getting stronger. And there he was, tearing me down and making me feel small. Treating me terribly because, well, look at how strong I was. Of course I could take it. That body could take it.

Thanks to my amazing parents and supportive friends I made my way back out of that “relationship” before too long. One of my friends, whose help was enlisted by my dad because she was an expert in the types of people I suddenly found myself with, said after a few months “I found this organization that is having a conference to empower women. You need to be empowered. Let’s go!” It’s because of that that I had the courage to run for public office.

It’s because of that experience that I write. It’s why I wrote a novella (consequently, you can get it on Amazon if you’re so inclined).

So maybe someday that courage will find its’ way into my fitness routine. But for now, I don’t lift weights.

July 14 Photo

Beacon

I am privileged to be able to participate in this week’s Flash Fiction Challenge on The Carrot Ranch. The prompt I am responding to is “Beacon”. I hope you enjoy!

Beacon

“I know your name,”

She was standing at the kitchen sink, feeling low as she sipped her coffee. She looked up to see Moana.

As the tears flowed out she realized how invisible and alone she felt.

“What’s wrong, Mama?” Her little one ran over.

“I just love you so much,” she said.

Her little face lit up with a smile a mile wide that shone like a beacon, cutting through the darkness in her soul.

“I love you too, Mama.”

As they embraced the smile of the baby became another beacon of love that shone through the dark.

Wonder

This past Tuesday we were fortunate to go “up north” to Nateanite’s family cabin. E and I spent way too much time in the lake, particularly for the amount of sunblock we had on (thankfully the girls didn’t get burned).

As I’ve moved through this parenthood journey I have looked forward to the lazy days of summer with mixed feelings. But this photo of E during out boat ride (we even got to do a water rescue and pretend to be Zuma!) captures the beauty of these “lazy” days.

July 7 Photo

Seriously Funny

I generally think of myself as a serious person. Anybody who has read this gem knows that this self-impression is 100% false. I have serious thoughts and I take important things seriously, but I really am pretty goofy at heart.

Embracing these dichotomies about myself, for my post this week I’ve added a little poem to this fabulous photo my Nine Kopfer. This is similar to the regular, everyday, little rhymes that are just a regular part of life when you have little kids.

June 30 post
Wait a minute, we’re fish! Fish don’t blow dandelions!
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Motherhood in a larger context

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