Tag Archives: marriage

Recipe for Love

For those of you who are married, I bet you’ve heard the advice “Don’t go to sleep angry” a million times. I am going on the record as saying that I think this particular piece of advice is really stupid.

Based on my own experience, Nateanite and I are more likely to fight when we are tired. Things that seem huge, like our marriage might end over this, seem small and insignificant after a night of decent sleep.  Based on the peer-reviewed literature, sleep deprivation can have a seriously negative impact on our relationships.

I think this is why so many folx say that the years when your children are little are the most challenging. You are both chronically sleep deprived. Babies waking in the night because they’re hungry, getting teeth, or were startled and need to be soothed are common place. A side effect of toddlers’ improved cognitive ability are night terrors.

I have felt the effects of these in recent weeks as A has been cutting some new teeth. Nateanite will tell you, and I will grudgingly confirm, that I have been on edge recently. Several mornings ago, after a particularly challenging night, when he timidly suggested that I treat him with a little respect (not such a tall order for your best friend and love of your life, right?) I angrily said that it was asking “too effing* much.”

 

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Sometimes you just have to sleep in random places Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Take a deep breath and cue to the next day. Yes, I am tired. So is he. Trying to rise above this I decided to listen in as Nateanite joined me in our efforts to convince E that the cup we gave her to bring to bed had juice in it (it was really water). It was during this time that I developed a recipe for falling back in love during these challenging times.

**Disclaimer: Your relationship needs to be founded on mutual respect, but you’re just experiencing a hiccup. If there is no respect there, please find someone safe to talk to and give you the support you need and deserve.**

Falling in Love With Your Partner

  • 1 effort to back up the other person
  • 1 promise that Batman will protect you over night
  • Multiple expressions of love (as many as you want!)
  • Blowing kisses on your way out the door
  • Wish sweet dreams to your child

Have this conversation with your child or listen to your partner have this conversation with your child as often as you need.

*Maybe this goes without saying, but I am censoring myself here. Not one of my proudest moments.

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Beings of Love

April 14 quote

You may have noticed that I have had two weeks in a row of quotes. I feel it’s important to maintain a presence here, but I am buried in the end of the semester. My final paper and research proposal will be about the place government programs have in a changing workforce. I think they will both be incredible and I’m excited to link to them on my LinkedIn page. But it is definitely a topic that is taking me deep down the rabbit hole!

I am also a syndicated columnist at The Relationship Blogger and I hope you’ll visit me over there! My first post, Keeping your Marriage Alive in Sickness and Health, is pretty stellar (even if I do say so myself).

The Sweetest Thing

My sweet husband, Nathan, asked me if I was blogging today and what I wanted to talk about.  I told him that I wanted to blog but I had no idea what to talk about.  Do you ever feel like that?  Like you have something bursting to come out of you but you have no clue what it is or how to put whatever “it” is into words?  Well, that’s been me today.

Luckily, Nathan told me that if I was at a loss I could always talk about him.  I have decided to take him up on his offer. Now the only dilemma is what exactly to talk about.  There is so much!  I’ve elected to talk about when Nathan asked me to marry him.

Prior to our marriage we decided to get an apartment together. Prior to our decision to move in together I made it clear that if we did move in together it was my expectation that we would be married within a year.  I didn’t want to be 35 with three kids and still “living with my boyfriend.”  Nathan was amenable to this and we proceeded to look for apartments.

Side note:  We are still living in that apartment.  It’s great, even if it is ridiculously expensive.

Anyway, at this time I was working the overnight shift (10 pm to 6 am) and Nathan was working during the day.  As a result, we almost never saw each other.  I got home a mere 30 minutes before Nathan got up to get ready for work.  I also started to work at Metro State because we were pretty short on money (although now that makes me laugh, because we’re even shorter now, haha.)  This meant that we almost literally never saw each other.  However, I had Monday off each week and so we always had lunch together on Mondays.  Typically we went to McDonalds.

As the months passed my attempts at convincing Nathan that we should get married soon increased as I pointed out the various positive aspects of married life.  These included (but were not limited to) increased financial aid (we wouldn’t have to claim our parents income on the FAFSA anymore), increased happiness for him (studies have shown this), a better tax return (again, because of the school thing), and more stability in our status as a couple.  I was beginning to doubt that any of this was sinking in until one day in September when Nathan told me that if we got married he would be eligible for the PELL Grant for the first time in his life.  It was then that I knew my overt tactics were working.

Several weeks later we were at McDonalds (yes, it was a Monday) and Nathan said to me, “So, I’ve been thinking that we should get married by the end of the year” (this was in October.)  I have to admit, I was stunned.  The first thing I said was “Are you serious?” (In hindsight, probably not the best thing to say.)  Nathan said that he was indeed serious.  I said, “Awesome!  I would love to marry you.”

And the rest, as they say, is history.  We got married on December 17th, 2010.  We have both agreed that it is the best decision either one of us ever made.  We’ve definitely had (and are still having) some growing pains.  But honestly, marrying Nathan is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

The best marriage advice I ever recieved

Well, gentle readers, it would been that when it rains it pours.  I haven’t had anything to say for days and now I’m finding that I have a lot to say.  I guess that’s how it goes sometimes.

I was raised to think, from the time I was quite young, that I would get married to a man someday.  In the LDS (aka, Mormon) church there are different organizations you belong to as you grow up.  Ages 1 1/2 – 3 go to Nursery.  Ages 3-12 go to Primary.  Ages 12-18 go to Young Men’s or Young Women’s (depending on your sex).  Ages 18-death go to Relief Society (for women) or Priesthood (for men.) 

From the time I was 12 I have been making lists enumerating the qualities that a potential mate would have.  My top two were that the man had to hold the priesthood (for more information on that click here) and he had to be college educated. I picked those things because all my friends were picking those things and because I believed they were important. 

However, I had no idea exactly what I was looking for.  Just as an example, let’s say I went Brigham Young University (BYU, it’s owned by the LDS church.)  There would be over 14,000 men that fit the criteria of being priesthood holders and college educated.  That’s a big pool to swim in! 

One day in my mid-teens I was bemoaning the difficulty of finding decent guys and trying to figure out how I’d know who to marry, my mom gave me some valuable insight.  She told me that if I was dating someone that fit my criteria but I wasn’t sure if he was “the one” I should ask myself one question.  Does this man make me want to be better?  And not in a controling way where my significant other is telling me that I need to hurry up and finish my degree, or that I need to lose weight, or that I need to improve myself.  This man should appreciate me for who I am, but also want me to develop my talents and grow as a person.

Armed with this piece of advice I went out into the world.  I found many males (not all of them were men.)  Almost none of them made me want to be better than I was today.  Following being in an abusive relationship I will admit that the priesthood criteria dropped off.  Now it was (and is) important to me to find someone that will accept the part of me that has been hurt by that other guy, along with everything else. 

I am so pleased to be able to say that I have found that person in my sweet husband.  His presence and example makes me want to be better than I am.  Every day is a new adventure.  I may not improve every day, but the desire is there.  He makes me want to be better each and every day.

Smattering of weekend thoughts

I have to admit, it’s been a busy weekend.  As always, I’ve been debating what I’m going to write about.  Often, there is a debate as to whether or not I’m actually going to write at all.  It looks like the writing instinct is winning out today, haha.

Today is a really special day for me.  Today marks my one year wedding anniversary to a very special man.  We spent last night at a Bed and Breakfast, which was fantastic.  To bed was comfortable, the whirlpool tub was the right size, and the lack of a T.V. was perfect.  I have to admit, it was very pleasant to have the only noise be the radio and our talking.   Oh yeah, and the clanking of the gas fireplace one in a while.  But really, it was beautiful.  I loved every minute of it.  I’m looking forward to going back to try out a different room.

We went for lunch with the family today, because my mother-in-laws birthday is on Wednesday.  It was really nice to see everyone.  My reclusive brother-in-law K was even there.  It was good to see him. And despite all that’s been going on recently, my MIL seemed to be really happy.

I know this is nothing really deep, but there has just been a huge feeling of content all weekend.  Being able to celebrate special events, preparing for the future, and just being able to relax has been absolutely sublime.  I would highly recommend this level of relaxation to everyone.